Tweezers, 7 Pitchers of Pumpkin Juice, & a Kneazle
by Marauder Number Fiive
Summary: Lily has a date with hottie Benjy Fenwick, but Potter comes and ruins it! Prelude to 'I Blame Alice', but can stand alone. R


**I don't own Harry Potter :(**

Great. This is bloody fantastic. What's bloody fantastic you might ask? It's bloody fantastic that I am currently standing in the back of the Three Broomsticks soaking wet from seven pitchers of pumpkin juice and bleeding from a particularly nasty kneazle and a rather sharp pair of tweezers. What makes matters worse is that I'm wearing a random man's sweater and have lost Alice's favorite shirt. My explanation for this? Potter.

Last Thursday I was asked by Benjy Fenwick to Hogsmeade. I reacted as any Fourth Year girl would when they are asked out by a Sixth Year Ravenclaw hottie – I gaped at him for all of a minute, calmly told him I'd love to, screamed about it to my best friend, and went to bed, imagining how unbelievably perfect next Saturday would be. Life had other plans.

First of all, Alice got bit by a Poisonous Peruvian Plitter Plant during Herbology, which is our last class on Fridays. Her arm swelled to twice its normal size before she had even realized what happened. The poor girl. It was really incredibly selfish of her though. Because she was in the hospital wing overnight, she wasn't able to help me pick out an outfit for today! She's always had an eye for fashion while I…didn't.

Now little naive me thought that Alice would be out by morning and would be able to help me real quick before my date with Benjy. But no, that would make everything too easy. Mademoiselle Desiree is over-protective and refused to let Alice out until Sunday night. This latest predicament left me scrambling at eight o'clock in the morning to find a fabulous outfit.

So I had already gone through my wardrobe and was halfway through Alice's when I saw it. This gorgeous lavender knit shirt that had the cutest flower belt that synched at the waist. The only problem? The price tag was still on it…and it was labeled at 25 galleons.

Setting the shirt aside, I pawed through the rest of Alice's clothes to find that nothing even compared to the shirt. So I convinced myself that it was what Alice would want. She'd want me to be happy. She wanted Benjy to think I was gorgeous. She wanted me to wear that shirt!

Now extremely happy that Alice wanted me to wear the shirt, I slipped on a pair of jeans and white ballet flats. I ran my fingers through my curly hair and put on a little lip gloss. Very pleased with my appearance, I practically skipped down to breakfast, where I met my second bad thing of the day.

Potter. As soon as I stepped through the doors of the Great Hall, he appeared right in front of me. "Evans, tell me it's not true!" he cried dramatically, throwing his hand over his heart. "Going out with Fenwick, when I so deeply love you! My heart breaks into a thousand bite sized pieces!" If this was anyone but Potter and it wasn't so public, this would be almost…sweet. Suddenly Potter dropped the dramatic act and said quietly to me, "Seriously Evs, this is Fenwick. You can't go out with him."

"And why can't I Potter?" I asked with an edge in my voice.

"Because he's captain of the Ravenclaw Quidditch team! He's the enemy!" he said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. "Also, anyone who looks that hot should be going to Hogsmeade with me," he added with a wink.

"I'll inform Benjy when I see him that you want a date with him," I replied coolly.

"Oh Lily, you tease," Potter said bashing his eyes at me. "I think that you and I both know that this is a clever ruse to hide your true feelings for me! Well I see right through your little plan and I insist on taking you to Hogsmeade today!"

"POP! Did you hear that?" I asked Potter. "That was the sound of you bursting my bubble! WAY TO GO!" I screamed at him.

I suddenly wasn't in the mood for breakfast and decided to go visit Alice. Turning on my heel, I walked away from Potter as he called out to me, "I can buy you a new bubble if you come with me today!" When I didn't acknowledge him, he gave a big sigh and said, "You'll regret this someday Evs!"

In the hospital wing, the curtains were drawn around Alice's bed. When I entered, I heard the sounds of her screaming something along the lines of, "Quit molesting me you fucking pedophile!" Alice was never very good with hospitals. I sat on the bed next to Alice's and waited for Mademoiselle Desiree to come out. When she did, her hair was messed up and her robes were awry. Looks like Alice won that battle.

"Hey Lils," she greeted me as if she wasn't just 'molested' by the mediwitch. She glanced at my outfit and paled a little. "Oh no," she muttered.

I gave a sheepish smile and glanced down at the shirt. "It was gorgeous!" I apologized. "I'm sorry but I had to!"

She took a deep breath and said calmly, "Lily Antoinette Evans that is my favorite shirt of all times. I got it for Christmas and have been too afraid to wear it. I do not care if you wear it on your date, but if anything happens to it your blood is mine."

Squealing happily, I ran over and gave her a hug, making sure not to hit her bad arm. "Thank you thank you thank you Alice! I love you!" I gushed loudly in one big breath.

"I know," she replied. "Now go meet Benjy."

As I walked to the Entrance Hall, I peeked around the corner to see if Benjy was there. He was, looking adorably cute with his hands in his pockets while he was talking to his friend Patrick Boot. Well, at least the back of his head was. The back of his gorgeous, blonde head. Turning the corner, I made my way down the steps praying that I didn't trip over one. Miraculously enough I didn't!

Pat must have mentioned to Benjy that I was coming up behind him because he nodded in my direction and Ben turned. Shooting me a fabulous smile he said bye to Patrick and started to walk towards me. I smiled back at him, staring into those gorgeous bright blue eyes.

Suddenly, my ankle twisted and I was on the cold hard floor. Great, I didn't trip on the steps, I tripped on nothing. I'm not even wearing heels. Laughing, Benjy came over and helped me up. "All right there Lily?" he asked chuckling.

"Fine," I replied blushing horribly. "Humiliated, but fine."

"Haha, it's ok," Benjy assured me, slinging his arm around my shoulders. "I do it all the time. Let's get a carriage."

The carriage ride was the most awkward of my life. We sat opposite of each other, just staring at the other person in silence for about five minutes when a loud sound interrupted it. One might think that it was a bump in the road, a thestral going mad, even one of us actually talking to each other! But no, those things would make my life simple. And of course everyone knows that my life simply cannot be simple. The noise was that of my stomach punishing itself for not eating breakfast.

I shot a small smile at Benjy's raised eyebrows. Stupid Potter for making me lose my appetite. Now it was back and twice as bad. Potter's ruining my date and he's not even here…Nor has the date started. Great. This is just freaking great.

So we get out of the carriage and walk silently and awkwardly around Hogsmeade for all of seven minutes (yes I counted) when my stomach sounded off again. Benjy raised his eyebrows again and asked, "Hungry Lily?"

"A little," I admitted, my face burning. "I skipped breakfast," I offered as a lame excuse.

"Well we'll just have to fix that," he said and steered us off to the Three Broomsticks. How he did that without physically touching me I'm not exactly sure, but he did it.

The first thing I notice when we step into the pub? Less-than-hotter-Potter and his gang of horrible hooligans making a scene in the back corner by standing on the table and singing some song about Gavin the Goose Charmer. Fabulous. Just what I need today.

Taking my hand (EEK!), Benjy led me halfway across the crowded pub to a small table. Rosmerta, the owner's daughter who graduated two years ago, came to take our orders. Benjy ordered two butterbeers and two ham and cheese sandwiches. Ugh. I hate ham.

"Is ham alright with you Lily?" He added as an afterthought after Rosmerta left.

"Yep, it's fine," I said chirpily. "I love ham!" I love ham? One, that's not true, and two what am I some kind of dork?

"Great…" he trailed off.

We sat in ANOTHER awkward silence when suddenly someone ran into the back of my chair. "Sorry bout that Evans," Sirius Black smiled down at me. "But my, you look ravishing in that shirt! Lucky man, Fenwick."

"Erm…thanks Black?" Benjy said cautiously.

"Anytime, anytime," Black waved it off. "Now I'm terribly sorry about this, but I have strict orders to do so." Oh dear Merlin. Sirius reached into his pocket and pulled out…a pair of tweezers?

"Going to do your eyebrows Black?" I teased. "They're looking a little bushy."

"You know Evans, I don't feel so bad about this after that comment," Black said before stabbing the tweezers a good inch into my arm and running away.

"WHAT THE HELL BLACK!" I screamed after him as he returned to his own table. Pulling the tweezers out of my now bleeding arm, I examined them. They were unusually sharp and had a small tube protruding out of them.

"Lily, are you okay?" Benjy asked me. "Whoa, those are sharp tweezers," he commented, glancing at them.

"I know, right?" I answered. "And look, there's this tiny tube sticking out of it."

"Really," the Ravenclaw wondered, now intrigued. "Let me see that." I handed him the tweezers and he closely examined them. "Uh oh. Lily, I've seen this kind of tube before. It's used to inject a certain type of potion that that attracts kneazles."

"Kneazles?" I asked confusedly. "Why would the Marauders inject me with some kind of kneazle juice? And why would anyone want to attract a kneazle? They can be vicious."

"The potion has kneazle spit in it, which is what they use to attract mates." Great, I have kneazle saliva in me. "It's used by breeders to get males to reproduce with the females quicker. I dunno why the Marauders did it, but we best get you out of here as soon as possible." Benjy stood up and threw two galleons on the table to cover for the butterbeers and sandwiches. As soon as we stood up though, a waiter headed toward us, carrying seven pitchers of pumpkin juice.

"Hello there, how's everyone doing today?" he asked us. "Now all these are for you, from a certain group of chaps who wish to remain anonymous. They said and I quote 'Y'all should have a real good time with this.'"

…Seven pitchers of pumpkin juice? What the hell is all this about? Just as I opened my mouth to speak, I felt something furry brush up against my foot. Oh no. They didn't. Shakily, I looked down at my feet where a huge ginger colored cat-like creature was rubbing up against my leg. They did.

As if waiting for me to notice it, the kneazle went crazy as soon as I looked down. It clawed at the waiter's legs, causing him to drop all seven pitchers of pumpkin juice all over Benjy and me. The thing jumped on the table and launched itself at my already bleeding arm, claws extended. Shielding my face, I screamed, effectively attracting any viewers that weren't already watching.

The kneazle was on me for a good two minutes before Benjy was able to hit it over the head with an empty pitcher, knocking it out cold. So there I was soaking wet from pumpkin juice and bleeding terribly from the kneazle. The shirt was in absolute shreds, only held up by a few remaining strings on my left shoulder.

"Merlin, are you alright Lily?" a soaking Benjy asked me as he gingerly placed his hand on my shoulder.

As I opened my mouth to reply, the few remaining strands of the shirt gave way, leaving me standing in the pub in my white T-shirt which was now see through from the juice. At least I wore my black bra today.

As I started to cry, a random kind hearted man gave me his sweater while Rosmerta rushed me to the back room. I pulled the sweater over my head, completely embarrassed.

So that's how I wound up back here, cursing Potter and his friends. I'm crying, my shirt is orange and soaking, and I'm bleeding from a pair of sharp tweezers and a horny kneazle. The worst part? I lost Alice's favorite shirt. The remainder of my blood is hers.

**Hello, my lovely readers! I don't know anything about kneazles, so I made the majority of it up. Hope you don't mind. If you do, not much I can do about it. This is one of three preludes to 'I Blame Alice.' I figured that was a sucky story so I'd make up for it by writing preludes! The other two are going to be about Henry Trotsky and pushing Alice in the lake. Inspire me by putting that beautiful gray-ish purpley button that says 'Review!'**

**Even if you hate my story, tell me so that way I know that you actually want me to chop off my fingers so I can never write again, rather than me just guessing that you do.**

**Isabel**


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